All Kidding Aside

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A Pumpkin Tale

     Once upon a time, there was a little pumpkin named Mikey. He was a sweet pumpkin. He always did well in school, getting good grades and even tried helping some of the other pumpkins who were having difficulty with their reading, writing and arithmatics.

     The teacher really liked him. “Mikey, can you please hand out these projects to the class?”

     “Yes, Mrs. Karly Pumpykin. I’d be happy to do that for you.”

     Of course, sometimes the other pumpkins in the class were jealous of poor little Mikey. They’d taunt him, calling him, “Teacher’s Pet”, and “Brown Noser”.

     Poor Mikey. He just wanted an education.

     There were these bullies in his class named “The Ruthless Toothless Gang”. They were mean and vicious to all the students in the school. They were especially mean and nasty to poor Mikey.

     “Yo, Mikey, get over here and do my test for me,” yelled Rudy Ruthless.

     “Yeah, and while you’re at it, you can do mine, too!” shouted Scotty Scariness.

     “I….I….I d-d-don’t w-w-want-t-t to,” stuttered a frightened Mikey.

     “Well, you don’t have much choice in the matter. Get over here and do this test, and all the required reading for the next decade! Now!!!” shouted Rudy.

     “But…but….I c-c-can’t. You w-w-won’t learn any-th-thing i-if I-I-I d-d-do it for you.”

     “That’s the whole point, you numb-skull!”

     Mikey was distressed. It was his favourite time of year….Hallowe’en….but, he felt so upset, he didn’t feel like dressing up this year. Besides, he had so much work to do for the Ruthless Toothless Gang, that he didn’t figure he’d be able to get it all done, and be able to get out for Trick or Treating, too.

     “What are you going to be for Hallowe’en?” asked his buddy, Marty.

     “I’m not going out this year,” replied a saddened Mikey.

     “But, why not?” asked Evey. “You love Hallowe’en.”

     “I do. But this year, Ruthless Rudy and the gang are bugging me, making me do all their work for them and taking their tests for them. I’m not going to have enough time to go out. I haven’t even got a costume to wear.”

     “Oh, Mikey, that’s awful,” stated Bethy. She pouted and put her arm out around Mikey’s shoulders in comfort.

     “You should stand up to that bugger,” yelled Donny. “I can’t stand bullies!”

     “I know, but he’s so mean. I’d just rather get it all done now and then maybe he’ll leave me alone,” cried Mikey.

     “Listen Mikey. We’re not going to sit around here and let you be bullied by that big, fat Rudy. He’s nothing more than a pie waiting to happen,” replied Normy.

     “Yeah, and I’ve got some yummy whipped cream for that pie,” Marty smiled slyly.

     “Aw shucks, guys, thanks. Thanks for helping me.” Mikey, even for a pumpkin, was blushing at the gratitude he felt for his friends.

     “I make a great pumpkin pie,” stated Christiny. “I love to bake! I want to have my own shop one day!”

     “But, guys…I still don’t have a costume.”

     “I’m sure we can come up with something,” assured Eriny. “Does your mom have any spare sheets she doesn’t want any more?”

     “Only ones with flowers on them. Nothing scary, like white,” replied Mikey.

     “You could always borrow my air tank and firemen’s hat,” stated Marky.

     “Nah, that’s your costume. You go as that every year. I need something different this year. Something that will scare the bejesus out of Rudy and the gang.”

     “I could cut your hair for you,” smiled a sly Shell-y. She liked to lop off hair…..a lot!

     “No one is allowed to touch my hair. You know that, Shell-y.”

     “Come on guys. We have to think of something for Mikey. Think harder,” stated Donny. “We need to give that Ruthless Rudy and the gang a run for their money.”

     “I have an evil monster costume in my closet. My dad dressed up as that last year. Scared the crap out of my mom,” said Marty with a smirk.

     “Yeah, I remember that. That was pretty funny. I remember your mom peed her pants, she was so scared.” Mikey laughed, but shook his head. “No, not scary enough.”

     “Well, you could always borrow my witch costume. I even have a broom to fly around on,” stated Bethy.

     “I’ve seen her ride on that broom. She’s a maniac,” replied Normy, then she winked at Bethy.

     “Speak for yourself, Normy. I’ve heard your hat is pretty pointy,” Bethy kidded her friend.

     “And, don’t you forget it,” smiled Normy.

     “Come on guys. I need a costume. Badly. But, I don’t know what to do. What am I going to go as? I can’t let that mean old Rudy get the best of me. Or us.”

     “Well, there is one costume that you could wear that would scare even the most evilest of monsters and the scariest of ghosts. I saw this costume last year, and boy, it scared the crap out of me. I had nightmares for weeks after seeing this,” said Evey.

     “Oooooh, sounds scary. What is it?” asked Bethy

     “It’s so scary, I’m not sure we’re old enough to see it,” replied Evey.

     “Come on, Evey. Don’t keep us in suspense. Show us the costume.”

     The friends gathered around Evey as she dug around in the back of her closet for the costume. When she pulled it out, the friends hid their eyes and gasped. The night suddenly got scarier and Christiny jumped and screamed out in horror. Bethy grabbed onto Normy for strength, burying her head into Normy’s arm. Bethy begged Normy to protect her.

     Donny and Marty held onto one another while Shell-y and Eriny huddled in a corner. Marky was sure that he may have seen that costume at the local haunted house that burned down last week. He must have been mistaken. This costume was so hideous, there could only be one.

     Mikey got a snarly grin on his face, realizing that he had, indeed, found the most horrific costume that he could ever wear. It would surely scare the crap out of old Rudy and his gang. “I’ll take it,” stated a confident Mikey. “

     The next day was Hallowe’en and Ruthless Rudy and the gang strolled up to the school, knowing that Mikey would have their assignments and tests done for them.

     But, when they got into the classroom, the gang saw the hideous sight of Mikey. They screamed, running out of the doorway all at once, getting caught there. They weren’t sure, but they thought maybe they had died and gone straight to hell after seeing Mikey.

     “You’re not going to bully me or any of my friends any longer,” bellowed a scary Mikey.

     And, from that day onward, Ruthless Rudy and his gang didn’t bully anyone. If they did, Mikey threatened to get out the costume again.

     Want to know what his costume was?

That is truly, the scariest costume I have ever seen.




Trick Or Treat…Smell My Feet…And Take That Knife Out Of My Eye!!

     I’ve always liked Halloween. It wasn’t just because of being able to dress up as whatever you wanted. Heck, you could style your hair a little differently and some people might not know the difference. You might not even have to change your clothing all that much, and voila, you’ve got yourself a costume. My face is scary enough….who needs make-up?

     It’s more than just going out in the dark in costume, running from door to door, taking candy from perfect strangers and yelling, “Trick or Treat!” No, it’s more than that.

     It’s the decorating.

     Stalks of dried corn and bales of straw on your front porch with a small scarecrow holding a sign that says, “Happy Halloween”, bowls of candy corn and witches and skeletons pasted to your windows. A tombstone on the front lawn that is covered in cobwebs, that reads, R.I.P.

     Those are all fun, but I think I’m forgetting something. Oh yeah! The most important thing that no house can be without–Jack-O-Lanterns! You know if you don’t see a carved pumpkin at someone’s house, it’s because 1. The house is haunted and spooky enough….they don’t need a silly pumpkin to do the job of scaring people, 2. The people who live in the dark house are old stick-in-the-muds and don’t “do” Halloween, or 3. They’re the house that always gives out the crappy molasses candies or the crummy bags of stale chips.

     My pumpkin’s are always of the happy variety with the triangle eyes and the big square teeth. I’m not very imaginative. But, some people are.

     My hubby found online, a picture of the puking pumpkin. He’s done that one every year since he found that picture. That was probably ten years ago.

     One year, when our daughter was through with her potty chair, he had the pumpkin puking into the potty chair, making it look like a toilet. Still not very imaginative. Let’s just say that that was so ten years ago.


I love this one! Little pumpkins enjoying a campfire. I wonder if they sing Kumbaya and tell scary ghost stories? I wonder if they make S’mores?

“Hannibal” the pumpkin cannibal!

I found several “Ozzy Osbourne” types as well. Who needs their body parts cooked when you can just bite their heads off?

For all you Trekkie fans, a Borg ship. Not very scary, but resistence is futile…you will be assimulated.

Pumpkin carolers.

The Pumpkin family reunion.

My personal favourite.

“The tree made me do it.” Pumpkin suicide.

Of course, we see these two every year….but, I mean, butt….it’s a big one….

….even pumpkins can be pornographic. (Sorry….couldn’t resist this one…you have to admit, it is rather scary.)

No Halloween would be complete without a few fatalities. Here’s the headline. “A pumpkin man goes all Jason on his friends.” Love the pumpkin mask.

This guy looks like he’s eaten one too many of his victims. Time to go on the old protein diet.

I can’t decide if this is a murder or a suicide, but either way, the results are the same…dead.

This one, although a drawing, looks like a character from the next teen slasher movie. Maybe the victims are other pumpkins. Debuts October 31st.


Not to be left behind, if you have murdering pumpkins, then you must have the mental pumpkins as well. They are easy to spot. They’re too strung out on ‘happy pills’ to care that there is a murdering pumpkin on the loose. This guy didn’t even see it coming.

Dental hygiene should always be a priority. You never know when there will be a camera around. You may need to flash those perfect teeth. Although a smile like that just makes you look like you’re hiding something suspicious. I wonder if he has a knife behind his back?

Pumpkin Predator.

Pumpkin demon face…Eek!

     I’ve shown you some rather cute pumpkins and some rather scary looking, murderous pumpkins. I found a couple of pumpkins that were really scary looking though…more scarier than the murderous pumpkins and the predator pumpkin and all the pumpkins in the world. Be careful of your eyes with the next two. These pumpkins may cause nightmares for weeks or even months to come….who knows, maybe you may never get over seeing these next two pumpkins. I apologize ahead of time for the pumpkins I’m about to show you….but here goes:

The Lindsay Lohan pumpkin…puking of course….and….Oh, maybe you better close your eyes for the next one….it’s pretty bad….

Don’t say I didn’t warn you….I told you, you should have closed your eyes.