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How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?

     I’m not a big fan of dogs only because they require being looked after as if they were a child. You can leave cats for a couple of days and as long as they have adequate food and water, they’ll be fine.

     Dogs on the other hand, require that you walk them at least a few times a day, feed them (because they’re usually such gluttons that they eat all you give them all at once) and they drink a lot. They’re not adept enough to use a litter box.

     But, I did promise some doggie pics after my kitty blog the other day. So here’s some cute pictures I found.

Except for the colour difference, you’d be hard pressed to know where the towel ended and where the dog began.

Hey! Where’d that other turtle go?

You threw them, I bring them back!

I’m not going to be put between no bun!

Well, he does look happy though.

Running….why are we running?

Beautiful Blue Eyed Husky

I didn’t do it….honest.

Peek-a-boo…I see you!

I bet I smell good too!

You think Fluffy here looks evil….Um, look at the next one. Fluffy here looks like a Saint compared to Cujo down below.
 
I feel like going and getting my rabies shots now.
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16 Comments »

Little Red Riding Hood~A Modern Day Fairy Tale

     Since I’m reading “Red Riding Hood” right now, I thought I would do Little Red Riding Hood for my next fairy tale. Norma informed me that William liked wolves and that she thought he’d make a pretty good Bad one. I’m not so sure about that.

     Anyway, enjoy!

Little Red Riding Hood

Players~

Red~Karla

The Big Bad Wolf~William

Grandma~Shelly

Mama~Christina

Squirrel~Mike

Chipmunk~Norma

Bee~Eve

Deer~Beth

Gopher~Donna

Alligator~Mark

      Once upon a time in a forest far away, lived a little girl named Red Riding-Hood. Red often wondered if it would be ok one day to change her name to Blue. She actually hated the colour red. It wasn’t her colour.

      One day, when Red got home from school, her mama said, “Could you skip along to Grandma’s house and take her these goodies? I’ve spent all day baking and cooking. Grandma isn’t feeling especially well today and I thought these might cheer her up.”

      “Sure, mama. What did you make for her?” Red asked, peeking under the flap of the picnic basket.

      “Well, I made some of my chocolate desserts and candies. I made some of those wonderfully moist and tasty vegan chocolate brownies that you love so much. I know she’ll like them too.”

      “Oh mama, they might not make it to Grandma’s house. I might eat them a long the way. They’re so temptingly good.”

      “Now don’t you eat them before you get to Grandma’s. Remember to share.” She smiled at Red, knowing that the little girl wouldn’t eat any until she got to her Grandma’s house.

      So Red put on her cape, and picked up the picnic basket. She loved her Grandma and would do anything for her.

      Red kissed her mama good-bye and told her that she would be back for supper late. If she was going to Grandma’s, she knew that Grandma would offer her some of her goodies. Grandma’s are like that.

      As Red skipped out the door, with her little red cape on with the hood, she hummed a little tune. She was happy to see her Grandma, who lived in a little cottage by the lake.

      But, what Red didn’t know was that there was a wolf watching her. The Big Bad Wolf, to be exact. He watched her as she skipped merrily with her basket in her hand, swinging back and forth.

      He closed his eyes and his mouth began to water as he sniffed the air. Red smelled delicious. He’d seen her around before, but she never smelled like this before.

      “A-oooooooo”, he howled quietly to himself.

      He wanted to approach her since he enjoyed her smell so wonderfully well, but he didn’t want to attack too soon. He was sort of curious as to where she might be going, so he followed a long behind her.

      The forest was bright green and luscious. Flowers popped up through the thick forest floor, amongst the dried leaves, the acorns and the pine cones. She loved the smell of the forest, and the way that the trees swayed lightly in the breeze. She wondered if there was anything more beautiful.

      Suddenly she heard some fighting up ahead. It was a chipmunk and a squirrel fighting over an acorn. She ran up to the two fighting animals, startling them. She put a hand on the squirrel and one on the chipmunk. “Hey, hey! What’s going on here?” Red asked.

      “I found this acorn fair and square,” yelled the little squirrel with his brows furrowed.

      “Did not! That’s mine! That’s from my own private stash!”, said the angered chipmunk.

      “It was just lying there.”

      “It’s mine!”

      “Does it have your name on it?” The squirrel rolled it over and over in his hands looking for chipmunks name.

      “It’s mine! It fell out of my hole! See!!!” He pointed upwards to the tree behind them and they all looked upwards to see a hole in the tree. “So, give it back!”

      “Finders keepers, losers weepers,” squirrel stated with a grin, hoping that the chipmunk would just give in.

      Red whistled loudly and the two animals stopped fighting. She took the acorn from both animals and said, “Squirrel. Chipmunk. You both need to stop fighting. Fighting isn’t good for the soul. It’s much better if you can learn to share.”

      She took the acorn and sat it on a rock. Then she took a pointy rock and hit it, cracking it open. She gave half the nut to squirrel and the other half to chipmunk. Then she opened her picnic basket and took out one of the vegan brownies and split it into thirds, one for each of them.

      The two animals took the pieces of the brownies and ate them up. The animals were quiet as they ate, obviously loving the goodies they were given. “These are my mama’s special recipe, made entirely of all good stuff.”

      “I’d love to make these for my family. What’s in them?” asked chipmunk.

      “Oh, it’s her little secret. She won’t even tell me. But, they’re so good, aren’t they?” The squirrel and chipmunk had their mouths full, so they both just nodded.

      The wolf watched as the girl, the squirrel and the chipmunk laughed and ate the goodies. He wanted some too, because he soon realized that it was the brownies that smelled so good.

      But, being that he was the Big Bad Wolf, he didn’t think she would share with him. See, the wolf didn’t have any friends. Alone in the world, friendship was all he really wanted.

      He held back, following her though. He still wanted to get up the courage to ask for a piece. He wasn’t used to not getting what he wanted.

      “A-ooooooooooo”, he growled to himself.

      The squirrel and the chipmunk followed Red further into the forest. The flowers were fragrant and sometimes they would stoop to smell them. It’s always good to stop and smell the flowers once in a while.

      “Leave me alone!” a deer stated, flipping his head back and forth. “You’re buzzing about my head! Stop it!”

      “Zzzzzzz, I know, but you smellzzzzzzzzz so good! I can’t helpzzzzzzzzzzz myzzzzelf.” Deer wagged her tail violently, prancing around the forest like she was a ballerina. “Stopzzzzzzzzzzz moving around!” stated the bee.

      “Stop buzzing around my head!”

      “You smellzzzzzzzzz like honey, though. Pleazzzzzzzzzzzze let me just have a little taste.”

      “No!”

      “Pleazzzzzzzzzzze?” begged the bee.

      “Hey you two! What’s going on here?” asked Red.

      “Bee is buzzing about my head, and I want her to stop,” deer stated.

      “Yezzzzzzzz, but she smellzzzzzzzzzz, so wonderfully zzzzzzzzzweet.”

      Red noticed that there was a flower stuck behind deers ear. She smiled as she approached the deer and took out the flower and gave it to bee. Bee smiled broadly and stated, “Thank youzzzzzzzzzzz!”

      She opened her basket and took out one of the vegan brownies. She split it five ways so that everyone could have a little taste of it. Bee dropped the flower and landed on her little morsel and deer sniffed it, then took it all in her mouth at once. Red scolded her for being such a piggy.

      “I can’t help it. It looks and smells so wonderful. I couldn’t help myself.”

      Red and the four animals all sat in a circle while they munched. Deer told some fairy tale stories while the others listened intently. But Red had to get going. She checked her watch and realized that she still had a little ways to go.

      Deer allowed bee, chipmunk and squirrel to ride on her back. She was going to be seeing her chiropractor soon. What’s one more ache?

      Wolf followed the girl and the animals deeper still into the forest. He was bound and determined to get a piece of that brownie. Just one was all he needed. But, he was still afraid to approach her. He didn’t know if she had a weapon on her or not.

      “A-ooooooooooooooooooooooo”, he stated quietly. He didn’t want to blow his cover.

      There was a raucous commotion up ahead that gave Red and the animals a start. Such noises made them wary of going any further.

      There, in front of them was a frightened little gopher and a snappy alligator. Red furrowed her brows. An alligator? In the woods?

      Suddenly the alligator snapped and swallowed the gopher whole. Red screamed and the alligator turned around to see them all staring at him.

      “SPIT THAT OUT THIS INSTANT!” Red shouted.

      Startled, alligator opened his mouth and a soggy gopher crawled out. Shaken, (but not stirred), the gopher huddled over next to a tree. Red came to her and asked, “Are you ok?”

      The gopher could only nod.

      “You apologize this very instant!” yelled Red to the alligator.

      “Sorry.” He looked up at Red with sorrowful eyes and said, “She startled me when she popped her head out of that hole, and my first instinct was to eat her. I’m really very sorry.”

      “A-a-apology a-a-accepted,” stuttered a still frightened gopher.

      Red again opened her basket and pulled out two brownies. She split it amongst everyone and they all sat and listened to deers stories.

      Finally chipmunk asked Red, “So, where are you going with this endless supply of vegan brownies?”

      “I’m going to my Grandma’s house. She lives in a little cottage a little further from here. She’s not been feeling well, and is in bed. Mama thought these brownies might cheer her up.”

      “Well, they most certainly will! These are the best things since sliced bread,” chipmunk stated.

      “Say, what was the best thing before sliced bread?” asked squirrel.

      Everyone laughed. Even the wolf had a little snicker to himself. But, now he knew where the girl was going.

      “A-oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

      He ran on ahead and made it to Grandma’s house. He found that she had gone out to the outhouse, so he went inside the house, locking her out. He rummaged through her drawers (feeling very red-faced as he did so), and pulled out one of her lacy, frilly nighties. Even though there wasn’t anyone around to see him, he still felt very embarrassed about the whole thing.

      He got into the bed and covered up so that only his face stuck out. When he heard a knock at the door, he said in a higher voice, “Cooooome innnnnnnnn.”

      “But, the doors locked, Grandma.”

      Oh crap. He’d forgotten about that. He pulled back the covers and got out. How embarrassing this was going to be. All he wanted was a friggin’ piece of brownie. He wondered if he was ever going to get one.

      “Coming,” the wolf said in a granny-like voice.

      When the wolf answered the door, he saw that all the animals were still with the girl. “Why Red, who’s your little entourage?”

      “Oh, well, this is squirrel, chipmunk, deer, bee, gopher and alligator. They’re all especially wonderful creatures.”

      Clearing his throat, the wolf said, “I can see that.” Allowing them all to come in, the wolf shut the door afterwards. “So Red, what brings you here?”

      “Well, mama said you weren’t feeling very well, and I must say that you don’t look very well, either.”

      “Oh,” wolf said, trying to shy away from her.

      “Yes, your ears are so big.”

      “All the better to hear you with, my dear,” said the wolf.

      “And, your eyes are so big.”

      “All the better to see you with, my dear.”

      “And, Grandma? No offence, but you need to have a little bit of electrolysis done. You have a bit of a goatee going on there.”

      Embarrassed, wolf started for the bathroom, but he tripped on Grandma’s nightgown. When he fell over, everyone saw his tail, and they all knew what he was. Then they heard the banging on the back door.

      Wolf started to cry while Red let in her real Grandma from outside. “What’s going on in here?” Grandma asked.

      Wolf looked up at Red and said, “I’m sorry, Red. I’ve been following you and the other animals because I would like to have one of your special brownies. They smelled so good, that I couldn’t help myself. But, I didn’t think you’d give me any, so when I found out where you were going, and your Grandma was in the outhouse, I just locked her out and pretended to be her.” Holding his head low, he added, “I’ll just go now.”

      Red put her hand out to the wolf and offered him one of the brownies. Wolf looked at her with swollen reddened eyes, blinking back the tears. “For me?” he asked.

      Red nodded and smiled. “For you. All you had to do was ask.”

      It hadn’t occurred to him to ask. He just thought no one wanted him around. “Can I ask one more thing?” Wolf said.

      “Sure,” said Red.

      “Can I be all your friends?”

      Red smiled and everyone laughed. The animals hopped up on top of wolf and gave him a big hug. He was always welcome after that.

      “A-oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!”

      As you can see, wolf was very happy to have some friends and to have some delicious chocolate brownies and they lived happily ever after!

19 Comments »

Ode To The Feline

     I’ve been working over the weekend, so my blogpost is going to be a cute one instead. I love cats and these one’s are especially cute.

     Cats, soft as balls of cotton
     Kittens, sweet as honey
     A wonder of the Earth
     A beauty that can’t be denied.

     Ok, so it doesn’t rhyme and it doesn’t go together properly, but who cares? It’s about cats. I love cats!
     Anyway, enjoy…

     Spy Kitty?

Gangsta Kitty.
Sweet Kitty.

Seeing Double Kitty.

Kitty Love.

Hugging Kitty.

“I see you” Kitty.

Upside Down Kitty. 

Hiding Kitty.

Sleepy Kitty.

Pouncing Kitty.

Reading Kitty.
     BTW, the next one will be about dogs and puppies, so for all you cat haters, be patient.
16 Comments »

Giving Jackass A Bad Name

     I’m one of those people that enjoys watching other people suffer. I mean, I don’t understand why anyone would put themselves through tortuous stunts just to get a laugh, but hey, as long as it’s happening to someone else, then I’ll laugh.

     I must admit, that I’ve seen the first two Jackass movies and laughed my ass off. I’ve wondered what would possess someone to snort wasabi sauce up their nose, not just once, but twice. How about taking a dump in a hardware store display toilet? Not something I’d be able to do. One guy even drank horse semen once. And yeah, I laughed. I believe my hubby had to leave the room when the guy did that.

     It was pretty gross though. And, they even torment Bam Magera’s parents, especially his mother. One time they put snow in his mother’s house and went snowboarding and skiing down the stairs and out the front door. And another time, they put an alligator (or croc…not sure which) in his mother’s house. She wasn’t too impressed. Can’t say as I blame her. I’d be thoroughly pissed off.

     The guy on the left is Bam Magera. The other guy is Ryan Dunn. Ryan had a little accident on Monday.

     Early Monday, Ryan Dunn and a friend, were killed. I’m not entirely sure what this tow-truck is hauling away, but I believe it resembles a car. Apparently Dunn had a blood alcohol level of 0.195…the legal limit is 0.8. He was more than twice the legal limit. He was also apparently going 145 mph in a 55 zone (That’s like us Canadian’s doing 225 kph in a 90 zone).

     So, instead of sitting behind a jet plane’s exhaust, or shoving a dinky car up his ass, Ryan Dunn won’t be around for the next Jackass movie.

     I guess I’m not the only one who thinks driving that drunk was a dumb idea. Bam tweeted shortly after finding out about his friends death, and Roger Ebert responded to the tweets.

Um, well…you can’t really dispute it…oh wait, maybe you can….

     Clearly, this person hasn’t lost a friend in a car crash either, because I don’t think they would have said that if they had. Just sayin’.

     Do I hope that they make another Jackass movie? Sure. I mean, yes, they’re stupid and totally mindless, but as mentioned before, all these things are happening to them. BTW, I really like Wee Man.

     But, it’s too bad that some people can’t control their use of drinking and other substances.

Yeah, what the sign says.

 

15 Comments »

Rumpelstiltskin~A Modern Day Fairy Tale

Ok, here we go again.

Last time, with Rapunzel, William suggested I do Rumpelstiltskin. I think Norma suggested William be Rumpelstiltskin. So, guess who is the star of the show is going to be this time?…LOL Yes, my dearest friend, William. Of course, it’s all in fun. It’s always just for fun. I wouldn’t poke fun of my wonderful online writer friends if I didn’t love them all to death.

Players~
Rumpelstiltskin~William

Miller~Mark

Miller’s Daughter~Eve

Fashion Designer~Donna

Drunks at the bar~Drunk #1~Shelly

Drunk #2~Norma

Drunk #3~Mike

      Once upon a time, in a land full of drunks and boastful liars, lived a Miller. He worked at the local mill grinding the grain the farmers brought to the mill into flour. I think his name was Barney. He’d always wanted to be a cop but because his father had been a miller, and his name was Miller, he felt that he had to be a miller. Although he wasn’t a police officer, he did make a citizen’s arrest once.

     The miller was a man who liked to drink, as did every else in the one horse town. He would often boast to the other drunks at the bar just like they’d boast to him.

      “Well, I’ve got room enough on my boat for 23 people,” boasted Drunk #1.

      “You can not! Your boat isn’t big enough for 2 people let alone 23!” chided Drunk #2.

      “Can too!”

      “Can not!”
      “Can too!”

      “Ok, you two. Stop the bickering,” shouted Drunk #3. “We all know Drunk #1 can’t fit 23 people in his boat.”

      “Can too!”

      “Prove it!” Drunk #2 said with a grin. “Prove to us that you can put 23 people in your boat, and if you can get 23 people in your small little row boat, then I will give you beer for a year.”

      So, Drunk #1 went and proved that he could put 23 people in his boat. He didn’t tell everyone that the 23 people were all the midgets of the town. Drunk #2 couldn’t dispute the fact that there were 23 people wedged in Drunk #1’s boat. He had no choice but to buy the guy beer for a year.

      The miller thought that maybe he could get Drunk #2 to buy him beer for a year, too. He boasted, “Well, you think that’s a great feat. I can do one better.”
      “You can not! You don’t even own a boat, you moron!” stated Drunk #1.

      “No, I don’t have a boat, but I bet my lovely, beautiful daughter can spin straw into cotton.”

      “What the hell are you talking about? Are you on crack? Hey, someone call the cops. I think Barney has gone mad! Or, at the very least, on some very bad drugs!”

      “No. I’m serious! My daughter is very talented. She knows how to spin straw into cotton.”

      “Prove it!” said the Fashion Designer, who was just as drunk as the rest of them.

      Barney was so drunk, he stumbled over to where the fashion designer sat in the corner, nursing her warm beer. He pulled out a chair and sat down. He really felt that his daughter could spin the straw into cotton. Heck, he was so confident that she could spin the straw into cotton, that he told the fashion designer that if she could do it, he would give her all the cotton to make all her newest fashions for the coming season.

      “What will you give me if she can’t do it?” the fashion designer asked.

      The miller thought for a minute, then stated, “Well, she will have to work for you and be your pin cushion then.”

      The fashion designer was fascinated. Of course, her pupils were quite dilated and she wasn’t exactly sure of her own name, but she really wanted the cotton for her new hot look for the coming season. She took the millers daughter back to her fashion warehouse. She put her in a room with a bale of straw and a spinning wheel. She told her that she had until the morning to get all the straw spun into cotton. But, she seriously didn’t think that the millers daughter could do it.

      “Oh father,” she cried after the fashion designer left the room. “What have you done? It’s impossible for me to spin this straw into cotton. Heck, it’s impossible for me to spin straw into straw.” Fat tears rolled down her face.

      “I can help you, young lady,” came a voice from a dark corner of the warehouse.

     “What?” she asked looking around.

      Out of the darkness of the warehouse came a cute little bald guy dressed in short pants and a tunic. He was only about three feet tall and had pointy shoes. He looked as cute as a Christmas elf. The millers daughter thought he was sweet.

      “I will spin all this straw into cotton for you. But, in return, you need to give me something.”

      “Well, I like to write poems sometimes. I could write you a really nice poem.”

     “That sounds great!” and he set to work spinning the straw into cotton.

      When the sun rose in the morning, all the cotton was made and neatly piled by the spinning wheel. The fashion designer was so impressed by what the girl had made, that she asked her again to spin more straw into cotton. She was bound and determined to have the best clothes at this years fashion show at the local mall.

      The fashion designer put five bales of straw in the room with the girl and said, “Spin all of this straw into cotton by the time the sun comes up.”
      The girl really hoped that the little bald guy would show up again. He’d done such a wonderful job the last time and she really didn’t want to be a pin cushion. That would hurt.

      Sure enough, as she sat there in front of the spinning wheel, the little man came out of the shadows and said, “I’ll help you again. But, what will you give me in return?”

      She thought for a minute, then said, “Well, I have a short story that I have just finished. You may have it and put your name on it if you wish.”

      The little man thought about it and then said he would do it. By morning, all five bales of straw were spun into cotton.

      The fashion designer was very impressed and got very greedy. She couldn’t believe her eyes as she stared at the folded up fabric. She demanded that the girl spin twenty bales of straw into cotton. “I want all these bales spun by tomorrow morning.”

      “Oh no,” the girl thought. “That’s a lot of bales.” What she was really thinking was that she hoped that the little man would come back. He’d been so helpful before.

      As she sat crying in front of the twenty bales of straw, the little man again came out of the shadows. “I will help you, but what will you give me in return?”

      The girl thought for a minute. She didn’t have any more stories to give to the little man. She didn’t have anything.

      “I’m sorry. I don’t have anything left to give you. But, I really need this all spun.”

      The little man stated, “I will spin this all for you, but you have to give me your first novel.”

      The girl didn’t hesitate, but instead sang out a resounding, “Yes!” The little man set to work to spin all the straw into cotton.

      Years past, and the girl had forgotten about her little deal with the bald headed little man. She’d forgotten that he was mischievious and wanted her first novel to put his name on. So, when her final edits were done and it was ready for publication, guess who shows up?

      “Did you forget about our little deal, missy? You’re supposed to give me your first novel when it is finished. Now that you’ve done the hard part, I’ll get the easy part.”

      “But…but…but, I don’t want to give up my novel to you,” she said quietly, holding the novel to her chest tightly.

      “A deals a deal, sweetheart. Now, hand it over!!!!”

      “Please…I don’t want to give it up.”

      “Tell you what I’ll do. I’ll let you keep your book if you can figure out what my name is. You have three days.”

       The girl squished up her face, then shrugged her shoulders. She figured that it couldn’t be that hard. She said, “Tommy?” The little man shook his head. “Bobby?” Again he shook his head. “Benjamin?”

      “Nope. Try again tomorrow.”

      The next day, the girl tried yet again. “Taylor?” The little man shook his head. “Robert?” Again he shook his head. “Edward?”

      “Nope. Try again tomorrow.”

       The girl was so distraught. She’d worked so hard on this novel and now it could all be taken away from her in the blink of an eye.

      She decided to go out for a walk in the city. She walked past the drunks and fashion warehouse where all of this had started from. She cursed her miller father for having made the bet in the first place.

      Then she walked past the bar and eavesdropped on a little conversation. It was between the fashion designer and the little bald man. They were joyously downing pitchers of beer and singing a happy song.

I am the one who loves to sew,

To make clothes out of straw,

I am the one who loves to write,

Rumpelstiltskin is my name.

      The girl was ecstatic and ran back home. She put on her sad face, awaiting the return of the little bald man. When he arrived, he said, “You have three more chances. If you don’t figure out what my name is, I get to keep your novel.”

      “Is it Wayne?” The little man shook his head. “Is it Jack?” Again he shook his head. “Is it Rumpelstiltskin?”

      The little man looked astonished. “Who told you? It was that fashion designer, wasn’t it?”

      The little man stomped his feet, his face going beet red. He stomped his feet so hard, that his foot got stuck in the floor. When he tried to pull himself out, he couldn’t.

      “Please help me, Miss. Please?” he cried.

      The girl, looking sly, waggled her eyebrows at him and said, “I’ll help you, but what will you give me in return?”

      He didn’t like the sounds of this, but he conceded. “I will give you all my royalty checks from now on until forever.”

      The girl shook her head. “No, I don’t think so.”

      He thought again. “A new car? A house?”

      The girl shook her head again. “No, I need more.”

      He looked at her. “What then?”

      The girl hadn’t realized it, but she was madly in love with the bald little guy. They weren’t completely matched up properly, (she was 6’5″) but, she thought he was cute. She smiled, and batted her eyelashes and tried to make herself look sweet. She bent down and whispered something in his ear.

      His eyes bulged as he realized what she wanted from him, but he was committed. He gave her a ring, and a kiss, and they lived happily ever after!
23 Comments »

Rapunzel~A Modern Day Fairy Tale

     I recently made a modern day fairy tale about Snow White and the Eight Writing Dwarfs, featuring some of my writing friends. I had a lot of fun trying to match each friend up with a character and then writing a humorous story around them.

      My daughter enjoyed the movie “Tangled” so I bought it for the two of us to watch one night when hubby wasn’t home. I enjoyed the movie so much that now I’ve decided to write a modern day fairy tale about Rapunzel.

      Recently someone (marked as Anonymous in my blog, so that’s what she’ll be referred to as here) commented on my blog that she didn’t know what my blog had to do with writing. Not a damn thing…it’s a friggin’ humour blog, idiot! She also stated that it was a “gripe log”…maybe so…maybe she saw herself in one of the pictures of the idiot people that are bad parents. Who knows…she wasn’t “man” enough to identify herself.

      Regardless, I thought I would show off my writing skills and make up another story containing my writing friends.

Players~

Rapunzel~Mikeok, he’s a guy, but it’s only because he’s got long hair.

The Old Woman~Anonymous~sorry, but you decided to comment, you get to be part of the story too…and not the good part, either.

Princess~Christina

King~William

Queen~Shelly

Rapunzel’s Pets~Cat~Donna

Dog~Karla

Bunny~Norma

Bird~Mark

Deer~Beth

Zebra~Eve

      Once upon a time, in a kingdom where there was only love, kindness and no griping allowed, there lived a King and Queen who desperately wanted a baby. They tried all the herbs and organic foods and drinks to help the Queen get pregnant.

      One day, a miracle happened. The Queen became pregnant. She had to stand on her feet for 8 hours a day for 8 days straight. No breaks, not even to pee or to write or even to read her books. But, in the end, it worked. Nine months later, a baby was born.

      The Queen really wanted a girl and because of that, she only picked out a girls name. Rapunzel. But when it turned out to be a boy, she had no other name for it.

      “But, it’s a girls name,” the King complained. “He’ll get teased, won’t he?”

      “Nah. We’ll just grow out his hair and everyone will think he’s a girl. Look, it’s already starting to grow.”

      It was true. He’d just been born hours before, but his hair looked like it had grown an inch in just that short amount of time. The Queen, an expert in hair, had noticed it first. The King couldn’t dispute it. He was more knowledgeable about writing things like politics and history than in hair. The Queen liked to write about vampires and chocolate.

      The King didn’t like the idea of letting his son’s hair grow out long, considering that the King always shaved his head, but he let the Queen do what she wanted.

      “Besides, Rapunzel could be a boys name, couldn’t it?” the Queen stated. “I mean, it’s not like it’s all that popular. I don’t know anyone else that has this name.”

      “Well, I guess so.” The King wasn’t happy with the name, but he went along with it. He loved the Queen very much and would give her anything and everything that he could. He was a great husband.

      The King and Queen paraded their son around, showing him off to everyone. They were very proud of their accomplishment together. He was a cute little boy, even if he did have hair that grew and grew and grew.

       As they walked around the lands, they always heard the same things.

      “My, what beautiful hair he has.”

      “Are you sure he’s not a she?”

      “Oh, it’s so soft. Who’s his stylist?”

      A lady in a wheelchair asked if she could touch the baby’s hair. She reached up with a crookedy hand and felt the soft hair. “Oh my, it is soft.” She felt exulted to run her gnarled fingers through the hair of the child.

      A stirring inside her surprised her. Her legs, which hadn’t worked in years, suddenly had feeling in them again. She took her hand down from the baby’s head and smiled. Without another word, she stood up and kicked her wheelchair to the side of the road. She took a step and then another. Then she laughed.

      “Thank you! I haven’t been able to walk in years, and suddenly, now I can.” And with that, she skipped away, humming gleefully.

       An Old Woman of a hundred and three witnessed the renewal of the other woman’s legs, the feeling having been returned to them. She watched as the woman skipped away, laughing and singing, and enjoying herself again. The old woman wondered if she could have that.

       When she turned to ask the King and Queen if she could feel the baby’s hair, they had already gone back to the castle. “Well, drat it! I missed them!”

      The Old Woman went back to her cave that was in the deep, darkest part of the deep, dark forest. She’d lost everything to time and her lack of skills. She hadn’t gone to school to be anything and what she did know, she wasn’t particularly good at. She’d lost her beauty when she burned her bridges with her cosmetician, her hairdresser and her friends. She was alone and crotchety, her beauty having been lost after years of neglect and lying. She wasn’t even very good at that.

      “I must have that baby,” she stated as she rubbed her hands together. *evil, sneering smile* “I must have that hair. That woman in the wheelchair couldn’t walk and then suddenly she could. Maybe if I have that hair, I’ll be pretty again.”

      During the night, the old woman snuck into the castle past the guards and stole the baby where he slept. “The baby is young. He won’t know any different as he grows. He’ll think that I’m his mother. I’ll adopt him and I’ll be able to stay young and beautiful forever.” *evil laugh*

      The next morning when the Queen awoke to find her precious baby gone, she was distraught. “I stood for 8 hours a day for 8 days straight! I did everything I could to have a baby! And now, that he’s here, he’s been stolen right out from under our noses!”

       The King and Queen had the guards and townspeople search everywhere for the missing baby. It was no where to be found.


      That’s because the old woman had taken the baby up into a tall tower in the forest. “They’ll never find you here,” she cooed at the baby. She stroked the baby’s hair and she was instantly young again, her ills and pains suddenly vanished.

       “But, why the hell they named you Rapunzel is beyond me. How about I call you Rappy instead? Do you like that?” She nuzzled her nose into his hair, breathing in the softness. The baby just cooed with a smile, then pulled the woman’s hair.

      “Ouch!” she snapped at the baby, but the baby just laughed.

      As the child grew, it’s hair got longer. Rappy was happy because he had all his pets around him. He had a cat, dog, bird, rabbit, deer and zebra. He thought Zebra added a wonderful splash of colour to his drab tower.

      Each morning he’d wake up with his hair all tangled up in the animals feet and he’d have to spend hours trying to untangle his hair from them. But he loved them. He’d even taught them how to talk. Sometimes he wondered if that had been such a good idea. Some of them didn’t know when to shut up. Even Bunny and Deer had found their vocal cords.

       “What are you making us for breakfast?” Bunny asked.

       “Well, what would you like for breakfast, Bunny?”

      “Well, I was kind of thinking of some birds in the nests.”

      Just as she had the words out of her mouth, she realized that Bird was sitting right there. She clamped a paw to her mouth and then looking apologetically at Bird, she stated, “Sorry, Bird.”

      Rappy put his hand on Bird’s back and stroked his feathers. He said, “That’s ok, Bird. I can make you something else.

      Glaring at Bunny, Bird stated, “I was thinking more on the lines of bunnies in the hole.”

       “Now Bird. Can’t we just all get along?”

      Since the meal for breakfast couldn’t be decided upon, they ended up eating weeds and seeds. Bird and Bunny had to be separated. Bird kept pecking at Bunny’s cotton-puff tail.

      “Thanks a lot you two!” Cat complained. “I hate eating weeds and seeds. They get stuck in my teeth and then I have to go a lot more.”

      “Yeah, me too,” stated Dog. “I hate being on a diet. This is rabbit food and I’m not a rabbit.”

      “Hey!” replied Bunny angrily.

      “But, it’s good for your bowels,” stated Deer. “Keeps everything all greased up and flowing properly.”

      “Ewww,” Cat commented.

      Zebra just shook her head.

      “Ok everyone. Stop bickering. We need to get busy and practice our writing. Bird has just recently published his research on storms. Everyone should read it.”

      “Storms?” Bunny asked. “I don’t really like storms. They frighten me.”

      Rappy put a hand out to Bunny. “But, you’ll like this one, Bunny. It’s a good story. It’s got some romance in it, too.” Turning to the rest of the group, he stated, “And, Zebra and Cat have been working on some poems. Maybe you two could read some of what you’ve written to the group.”

      Deer stuck up her hoof. “I’m not much of a poem kind of deer. I sometimes don’t understand them.”

      Rappy smiled. “You’ll understand their poems, Deer. They’re fun poems.” Deer wasn’t so sure, but she thought she would give them a try.

      Just then, they heard from down below in the forest, “Rappy, let down your hair.”

      “Coming Mother,” Rappy said, and came over to the window, letting down his beautiful long hair. She wound his hair around her foot and he hoisted her up.

      Once inside, The Old Woman saw all the animals sitting in a circle, writing. She turned her nose up at them and regarding them with disdain. She hated animals, and she definitely hated animals that could talk and write. She definitely hated cleaning up after them. She especially hated Deer and Bunny. They belonged out in the forest. And she had no idea how Zebra had gotten there.

      “I don’t know why you hang around these silly animals. I mean, I’ve never seen a talking, writing Cat before.”

      “Well, now you have, Mother.”

      The Old Woman didn’t understand Rappy, but she tolerated Rappy because of his hair. She stroked it, combing it with her brush, allowing the softness to ease her pains away. It worked every time.

      After The Old Woman left, Deer stated, “You know, I hate her. She’s so mean.”

      “Yeah, I don’t much care for her either,” stated Bunny.

      “She’s not very nice sometimes, but we must tolerate her,” Cat replied. “She brought us Rappy. And, he loves us.”

      “I do love you. I love all of you.” His smile beamed.

      Suddenly he heard the most beautiful sound coming from down below his tower. He looked out the window and the animals all crowded around him. His long beautiful hair flowed down from the window, nearly touching the ground below.

      He wondered what the beautiful sound was. A soft tinkling sound. A sound of love and kindness. A song.

      A girl wandered into the meadow just below the tower. The animals and Rappy all gasped at the wondrous sight they were seeing. None of them had ever met anyone else before. And, she was pretty, too.

      “Oh my,” stated Zebra.

      “She’s…she’s…she’s beautiful,” Dog stated, letting her tongue loll out of her mouth.

      “She looks like an angel,” Bunny replied.

      “And, she sounds like one, too,” Rappy had to agree.

      Just then the girl looked up at the tower window to see seven heads sticking out. She’d never seen so many heads before.

      She smiled politely. “Hello.”

      Rappy blushed. So did Zebra. “Hi,” he said shyly.

      “What are you doing up there? And, is that a zebra?”

      Rappy put his arm around Zebra and said, “Yes.”

      “I’ve never met a zebra before. Can I come up?”

     “Sure,” Rappy stated. “Just hook your foot in my hair and I’ll pull you up.”

      The beautiful girl did that and Rappy pulled her up. Everyone was in awe of the beauty before them. Cat nuzzled up against her and Dog wagged her tail blindingly fast in anticipation that she might get a pat on her head. Bird was naughty and shit on the girls shoulder, but it was only because he was so excited. Zebra came up behind her and nudged her arm, making the girls arm flop lazily over her. Bunny, not to be outdone, showed off her hopping abilities. She jumped up on top of Deer. Deer was just mesmerized by the girls beauty.

      After the introductions, Rappy asked, “So, where are you from?”

      “I’m from the Kingdom over yonder.” She pointed in the direction of the castle. “I’m a princess. Princess Christina.”

      “Nice to meet you, Christina.” He looked out the window and said, “I’ve always wanted to visit the castle over there. But, I’m not allowed to leave the tower.”

      “Why not?”

      Rappy thought for a minute. He couldn’t come up with any discernable reason why he couldn’t leave the tower. Mother had always just told him he couldn’t.

      He looked to the animals. They just shrugged their shoulders. Rappy looked at the girl, smiled and said, “Will you take me there?”

      The princess agreed and Rappy let down his hair so that the animals and Christina could get down. Rappy wasn’t sure how he was going to get down, but when Zebra stood under the window, Rappy jumped down, landing on Zebra’s back with a thwack.

      Christina and Rappy rode on the back of Zebra. Zebra was a little miffed that Bird was hitching a ride on top of her head, but she didn’t say anything. Cat got stepped on once and Dog ran on ahead and got herself lost. She caught up with the rest of them after pissing on two trees and a blade of grass.

      Christina knew the King and Queen personally, having done some PR work for both of them before. The King was a fabulous writer who could write about anything and everything and the Queen was a wonderful writer of humour. She wrote about the royal puppies, Sir Poops A Lot and his brother Hair Ball. She’d even taught them how to read, write and talk, too. They even had their own blog on Saturdays. Sometimes they even did reviews. *These such talented puppies even did a review of Beth Muscat’s, “Remember The Eyes”!*

      When they arrived at the castle, the guard looked warily at the lot of them, but allowed the princess to bring everyone in. He wondered about the Zebra, but she had to promise not to leave any large plops around.

      The princess took them all to see the King and Queen. When the Queen saw Rappy standing there, her smile grew bigger. She squeezed the King’s hand and said, “It’s him! It’s Rapunzel! I know it!”

      “Do you know me?” Rappy asked.

      “Yes! You’re our baby who was stolen away from us so many years ago. We’ve never been able to find you. Where’ve you been?”

      Rappy sneered, thinking of the woman who said she was his mother. “I was kept in a tower by a woman. Now I know why I was never allowed to leave there. She isn’t my mother at all! And, she wouldn’t let me cut my hair! She liked to comb it and play with it.”

      He noticed the snipping hair scissors laying on the vanity. He took his hair in his hands and made a long ponytail. Angrily, he twisted the hair up and with one snip, cut off his long hair.

      The Queen, an avid hairdresser, took the hair and gave it to the royal weavers. They could make a ton of money with the hair extensions that could be made with this hair.

      When The Old Woman got to the tower and found that Rappy wasn’t there, she panicked and threw herself off the cliff. By the time they found her body, it was all gnarled and worm-bitten. Rappy said “Good riddance to bad rubbish,” and the animals, the princess and Rappy all lived happily ever after with the King and Queen, who by the way, became Bestselling Authors. Rappy, and all the animals became Bestselling Authors, too.

      They found The Old Woman’s cave and realized that she too had attempted to write a novel but after reading it, they used it to light the Royal BBQ.




The End!

28 Comments »

     As I mentioned a week or so ago, we’ve got a mouse in the house and two dumbass cats who won’t kill the darned thing. I’ve had to resort to the “unwelcome” doormat next to the stove and one in a drawer. If the cats aren’t going to get it, I will.

     So, I thought since my cats are being so silly, I thought I might show off some cute pictures of what they are supposed to be going after.

This one knows how to drive! Look at those cute ears, too!

And, this one knows how to play the saxophone! Brilliant…no wonder the cats don’t want to kill these little guys!

I didn’t know they made teddy bears that small…

Mission Impossible

Awww….

I need a ride across to the other side!

Drowned Rat?

Either this mouse is playing dead or he’s doing a really great imitation of my cat, Dodgey.

Not only are apples yummy, but they’re good for you, too.

He looks like he’s about to play “Twister”!

Zip-lining Mouse.
Crap….why do they have to be so cute…?
 
13 Comments »

Bad Parenting

     This isn’t the first blog I’ve done on bad parenting and this isn’t the first blog where I’ve told everyone that I’ve made mistakes. We all have. We’ve ignored our childrens whining in public, let them have a temper tantrum in a shopping mall (thankfully, mine has never done that…but, if she did, that would be the last one that she would have…just sayin’…), and we’ve allowed our children to cry in restaurants.

     I must admit, while Jamie sometimes whines, she has never been a bad kid. She comes home and tells us about what happens at school, how a few of the kids in her class get “check marks” all the time. If the kid gets three check marks, then a note is sent home from the teacher. However, some kids keep getting check marks and notes sent home…apparently there are no consequences to the kids bad behaviour once they get home, so they keep right on doing it.

     Sometimes you’re a product of your environment.

     Father’s Day is fast approaching and I think this guy is definitely up for the next Father of the Year award. Or, is that the kids doll he’s holding for his child who is riding on the ferris wheel? Yeah, I didn’t think so either. LOSER.

     Remember a long time ago, kids sometimes cut themselves and exchanged blood with each other, becoming “Blood brothers or sisters”?…I guess, since exchanging blood is frowned upon now, let’s become “Pregnant sister’s”…These four girls are probably all pregnant by the same guy. Gross…LOSERS!

     Ok, maybe this kid has a ‘medical’ condition (but I doubt it), but still, this kid should be made to walk instead of being pushed in this stroller. Way bad parenting. But, then again, look at mom. LOSER.

Ok, this isn’t even funny…Where’s a cop when you need one? LOSER.

     This is just plain laziness. Instead of cuddling with his son and giving him the bottle by hand, he’s giving the bottle by foot. Yeah, that’s sanitary…and tasty…LOSER!

I guess, even way back then, there were loser parents. This is just sad. And, disturbing. LOSER.

     Oh, now that’s attractive. 250 lb shirtless guy…that’s offensive enough…The wife isn’t that much better. But wait! What’s that arrow pointing at? Oh yeah, it’s their kid. Well, I guess we should all be thankful that they didn’t leave the kid at home by itself. LOSERS.

     Ok, pet or not, this poor little duff could end up being this snakes brunch. But, you are supposed to wash your food before you eat it. LOSER.

Oh yeah…these little girls will be playing with my kid…NOT! LOSERS!!!!!

Exactly! The caption, incase you can’t read it says, “Some people just should not be allowed to breed. LOSER.

     You just couldn’t wait until you got home. Thankfully this little guy is looking the other way, but this is still wrong. And, he’ll probably grow up to think this is ok. LOSERS.

     Is there a child in that stroller, or do those boxes have legs? I sure hope the kid is still alive under all that food. Is that a quart of milk on the kids head? That would be heavy on the head…LOSER!

     I’m really hoping that this isn’t what it looks like. I sure hope that this kid was stupid and started climbing down into this hole only to get stuck. I sure hope that the parent didn’t make the kid go down into this hole to get something that was dropped down there by mistake. This can’t end well. LOSER.

     Oh, you haven’t seen your boyfriend in a while and you want to send him a really special picture of yourself…something to remember you by. Well, your child certainly is getting an eyeful…at least you’ve got underwear on. Yes, you’ve failed as a parent. LOSER!

     Safety first. You’ve got a helmet, but the little duff sitting at your feet doesn’t. If you think that a hood is going to protect this little one, then maybe you should just wear a hood yourself. LOSER!

Oh boy…LOSERS!

     No car seat? No problem…just lay the kid in your trunk and let it roll around in there for a while. A few bumps and turns later, and you won’t be hearing another thing from it. LOSER.

I have no words for this one…except: LOSER!

Oops…I guess even ducks aren’t immune to bad parenting. LOSER!
 
15 Comments »

Author Spotlight

     *I’m using Amazon as my example, because that’s the online bookstore that I subscribe to.*

     You know…I’m just more than a little pissed off!

     A few of us have started a group at http://www.shelfari.com/groups/84173/discussions/368671/Spotlight-Author, where we hope that with the idea of promoting a book for a day or a week, we can drive that book to a place of lower rankings…(I’m not sure about other online book stores like B&N, but at Amazon, the lower the ranking number, the better in sales you’re doing). We thought that by buying a particular book, we could give the newbie a chance at having the spotlight on them for a change.

     Well, that’s the hope anyway. Were just a small group right now, but we’ll grow as word gets out there. I’m sure of it.

     However, what I’m pissed off about is the lack of promotion that Amazon gives to the newbies who have published with them.

     If you go to Amazon, and type in “New Authors” in the search box under books, what comes up isn’t books from new authors but rather, “New Books” from old authors. Maybe not all of them because quite frankly, I didn’t recognize too many of the names, but there was James Patterson’s name listed…he’s not even close to being a “New Author”!

     So, how does one get their name out there for promotion? How does one get their book recognized for the great work that it is?

     Well, I’ve come to a conclusion…it all rests on the public, the buyers of the books. If you have a lot of reviews for your book (regardless of whether they are good or bad), that seems to make Amazon stand up and take notice and therefore, it seems to find its way onto the “popular” books list. It also didn’t seem to matter that the price of the ebook was over $10-14 dollars…it all rested on the amount of reviews the book had received.

     Also, when lots of people buy your book, then they’ll maybe see books that are similar or of books that others have bought as well…which is good for your book, too! It’s all in promotion.

     At Shelfari, our group, “Discovering Undiscovered Authors”, we’ve started a promotional thing where a book is chosen to be promoted and everyone should buy that particular book on a particular day or week…just to make that undiscovered author more noticeable at Amazon…

     Because right now, they aren’t recognizing the little guy yet…the newbie…the undiscovered…and that’s sad because there are a lot of great authors out there that have wonderful books that aren’t seeing those low ranking numbers.

     And, actually…our little group is going to do its best to promote even a seasoned writer…if they have a new book to sell, then we’d like to promote it. It’s just as deserving of promotion as a newbie author’s book…

     So, come join our group at Shelfari. If you have a new book to promote, then we’d like to hear from you. Of course, we can only read one book at a time, but with every book bought, we can drive down the ranking numbers (which is good) and give that book a boost. All the group asks is that when you buy a book, tell your friends about the book so that they can experience the book as well. We’d also like, if you can, to write a review and post it at Amazon (Or whatever online bookstore you subscribe to). The more reviews a book gets, the better it seems to do at Amazon.

     Because let’s face it…everyone could use a little boost sometimes! Some come on over to Shelfari, join the group and get your book noticed!

14 Comments »

Brilliant Feats Of Engineering

     Uh oh…Sorry…But, I believe this might be another Redneck Blog. I apologize right now for my blog. I know not what I do…
     Nor do I know what these morons are doing…
     Although some of these “inventions” (and I use that term loosely) are kind of ingenius, some of them are just plain stupid. Hence, the term “Redneck Inventions.”

     Ok, while this looks like it’s a brilliant idea…you know, safety first…I can’t imagine how well he could possibly be seeing out of those 2 plastic cups that are duct taped to his head. I guess in a pinch, they could work, but I’d kind of want to make sure that I could see properly before running that saw. “Stand clear everyone! Dad’s got his plastic cup glasses on and he’s running the saw again!”

     Now, this is actually a pretty cool invention. Need to make room for that casserole dish, but all you’ve got in the fridge is a bunch of beer bottles taking up space? No problem. Just use a paper clippy thingie and voila, you have an instant beer stack. Now just watch though. Some moron will want the one on the bottom, and then….

     OMG! Are you kidding me? Noodles (and they aren’t even good noodles…since you can buy 4 for $1 at the dollar store) in a watermelon bowl? That’s just wrong and gross all at the same time. For one thing, soup and watermelon don’t go together. Another thing, are ya that lazy that you couldn’t wash out a bowl to put your noodles in? Oh wait…that’s right…The dog (dishwasher) probably is sleeping and you needed a bowl right away…ick…

     Is your vehicle so old that it doesn’t have a cup holder? No problem. Just use some packing tape (or duct tape if your car is silver) to fashion out a nifty cup holder. However, getting your cup out might be tricky while your driving. Knowing my luck, the sun would melt the glue on the tape and my coffee would end up on my leg or something.

     Automatic window roller-downer…I guess, if you’ve lost your handle, why bother taking it back to the dealership? Let’s just use a cordless drill instead…but, let’s just hope that the battery doesn’t die while the window is down and it’s raining outside. You could wreck your interior. Yeah, maybe not such a good idea.

     Look carefully at this picture. The top picture looks like a tube is just sitting up against the wall. But, there’s a purpose to that tube. This is actually kind of ingenius…lazy, but ingenius. The tube goes through the floor to the garbage pail below where all your empty beer cans fall. I guess it’s better than making beer can pyramids.

     Air conditioning for your computer? I guess the fan is busted on this computer so why bother getting it fixed? Let’s just tape the fan to the side of your computer to keep it cool. Why do I think this isn’t really going to help?

Yeah, so not a good idea.

     Oh, now this is attractive, and sanitary…Cooking your food on a shopping cart. I would never think of this sort of thing. Very ingenius.

     What do you do with all those broken plastic forks that litter your silverware drawer? Oh yes…hot glue some razor blades to the broken tines, and voila, instand razors. Um, yeah…I don’t think so. That’s just cheap and I don’t like going around with little bits of toilet paper covering all my cuts.

     I know that a lot of you have seen this picture before, but it just can’t be helped to be in this list of brilliant feats of engineering…because truly, this one beats all of them. My hubby could use one of these to trim our hedge…of course, he’s not redneck enough to think of something like this.

17 Comments »