All Kidding Aside

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Get Jealous

Look outside your window right now, and you’re  likely going to see a lot of this crap…

     It’s cold, the icicles are dangling precariously from your eaves troughs, just waiting for that moment to drop on your head, like someone playing a practical joke on us.

You know the one I’m talking about…some asshole puts a bucket of something on top of the door so that when you open or shut the door, the bucket of whatever comes down on your head…yeah, so not funny.

     So, for any of you who are suffering right now from S.A.D. (otherwise known as Seasonal Affective Disorder) than I might be able to help you.

     Fast Fact: The US National Library of Medicine notes that “some people experience a serious mood change when the seasons change. They may sleep too much, have little energy, and may also feel depressed. Though symptoms can be severe, they usually clear up.”

     Ok, so what I’m thinkin’ is, is that there really is no hope for any of us…so, we might better just go on a V-cay somewhere nice and warm and sunny.

     So, I propose that we all get together and enjoy the spoils the South has to offer.

     This could be our little ‘hut’ by the sea…We could just step off the front step and swim away into the blue-green water, swimming perhaps, with the multitude of tropical fishes that are abundant in these waters.

     Of course, this will be the ladies ‘hut’…not sure where the guys will be staying.

     Here are some cute little guppies that we could swim with . I don’t think I’d like to scuba dive…I think that might be a bit to claustrophobic for me (and I’m not normally claustrophobic), but we could always just snorkle.

     I’m not a huge fan of swimming anyway. I can swim if I have to, (but don’t expect me to save you…I probably won’t…I might try, but probably won’t be able to) but I would prefer to make sure that I have solid sand under my feet when I swim, so snorkling would be perfect for me.

     There could be horse-back riding for Norma. I know she loves horses. I’ve never ridden on a horse, so I might have a hard time with this….unless there was a cute young man to hold me on there so I wouldn’t fall off. That would be nice. *sigh*

     There’s some rock (well, sort of) climbing for William. He likes to put his life in danger. I’d be ok with rock climbing, as long as I was tethered to a nice, strong young man who was hanging onto the string.

     I mean, if were going to plummet to our deaths, we’d at least not die alone.

     Of course, I can see Mark lounging on this hammock, sipping a drink out of a pineapple shell with a nice book to read. I’m sure he’d be surrounded by tons of women, fanning him as well, with palm branches.

     Now, of course, if he has trouble getting out of the hammock, we’d all have to laugh at his struggles. That would be funny. But, being the good cyber-friends that we are, we’d go over and help him.

     We could all go for a little boat ride into the crystal blue-green water, and take in the local sights. I could see Mike playing Captain, a little sailor hat on his head.

     Of course, I think we might need a bigger boat.

     I can see Karla, Donna, Eve and everyone else, just doing this…relaxing with a nice cold drink in our hands, and not a care in the world. No deadlines, no phones, no worries, and for goodness sake, no friggin’ snow to shovel. We won’t be cold, and our S.A.D will all go away. We’ll just be happy.
     So, if we can all get our schedules cleared, I think we should make a plan to go. I’m all for some cabana boy fanning me and bringing me cutesy drinks with little pink umbrellas in them. I’m all for someone waiting on me hand and foot, rather than the other way around. I’m all for taking a break.
     Of course, if the cabana boys look like this…

                                                         then count me out…


Hello Kitty

     The only reason I’m making this particular blog is because my almost 8 year old wanted me to. She LOVES Hello Kitty. She has everything Hello Kitty….and, I do mean, everything. So, this blog is dedicated to my daughter, Jamie.
     Hello Kitty is a Chinese cartoon sensation that has been around since 1974. For the purposes of this blog, I’ll shorten her name to HK…it’s just easier that way.

     Jamie has HK bed sheets, HK stuffies (a lot of those), HK zipper pulls, HK bubble bath, HK lip glosses…you name it, the kids got it…or so I thought.

     I seriously thought she had everything HK. I guess not. So, here are just a few of the things that you can get with HK’s face on it. Not sure how I feel about some of these items though…you be the judge.

     HK Toaster that toasts an image of her face on your toast…smothered in PB, no one would know that you were eating HK.

     How about a HK diamond ring…beautiful, isn’t it? You can propose to your girlfriend, giving her this ring, so that she can go out and get…

     The HK wedding dress…pretty in pink, eh? Um, no…I don’t think so. It’s maybe just a little too over the top. However…

     …if you’re going to get married in a HK wedding dress, you might as well go all the way and have your Maid of Honour and your Best Man wear HK costumes. It seems only fair to embarass everyone, not just yourself.

     Then, after the ceremony, you can go to your HK house in the burbs. You can get there by…

    …your pretty HK motorcycle, or…

     …by your HK street racer…careful, the cops might pull this over for just being too pretty and too fast.

       Of course, if you’re looking out for the environment, you might get yourself a HK Smart Car…Earth’s ugliest car creation…(sorry Anne…my sister has one…wait, it’s not a HK one though…too bad…it would be more fun to poke fun of then…LOL)

     Hopefully, on your way home, you don’t get into the HK beer. You could get pulled over by the cops for being wasted. You would look really pretty in jail with your pink HK wedding dress on…

     Of course, if you happen to meet up with this guy in jail, he might protect you…God, what would ever possess someone to do that to themselves…? That would be awful when you’re 80 and HK has slid down to your nose.

I’m just sayin’.

     Of course, if you do happen to get by the cops and the jailbirds, you might run over HK with your fancy HK car, especially after having one too many of the HK beers. Poor HK…

     But, on the off chance that you make it home, maybe you’ve got this to look forward to…

     If this is what HK looks like, then I’d like some…with extra sugar on top…


Kids Just Being Kids?

     What ever happened to kids going out and swinging on the swings in the park or going for a bike ride down the street to a friends house? What ever happened to getting dirty and playing with Barbie dolls in the gravel driveway?
     Or better yet, instead of dressing up Barbie, what if they raided their mothers or grandmothers closet, coming out in gaudy flowered dresses, over-sized necklaces, over-the-top makeup and shoes 10x too big.

     What the hell is this? Is this for real? I’m not actually sure that this picture is real, and not doctored with Photoshop technology. Her eyes look freakishly too big and her skin is just too perfect.

                           Here’s what perfect looks like…This is Jamie being silly.

This little girl is 4 years old, still sucks on a soother, yet she looks like she could be a teenager. It must be a prerequisite that you have to have perfect hair. I guess if I were a hairdresser, my child could look like this too.

Yup, this is what I did to Jamie for Crazy Hair day at her school. Flurescent green and sparkly silver wash-out colour. Yeah, I’d say I did a wonderful job. She might not have won a prize for her “crazy” hair, but I’d say she’s still perfect.

                                                   Happy? I don’t think so.

No, here’s happy. Jamie attended a birthday “spa” party. They got dolled up, their makeup and nails done. They had facials and played dress-up. This is the epitome of kids being kids.

                                      This is just wrong….on so many levels.


1,000,000 kids and counting

     I’m a mom. I love my daughter. She’s a beautiful little girl, and she’s pretty good, too, if I do say so myself. I think my hubby and I have raised her to be a nice person who is willing to do for others and helps others out when they need some help. She helps out around the house (but, usually has to be asked…but hey, that’s ok. That’s typical.)

     But, I can barely look after the one I have, so how could one ever look after that many? Oh right, Michelle Duggar has built in babysitters…her own children act as babysitters for her latest.

     Of course, I’m joking about not being able to look after my almost 8 year old…I have a fulltime job and so does my hubby. But, there’s no way that we could afford to give her everything that she deserves if it weren’t for the fulltime jobs. So, how do they do it? Oh right, they have a tv show and keep having more kids.

     Then, comes little Josie Duggar who was born a few months premature, weighing in at 1.8 lbs…and has many health problems, not to mention just the fact that being born premature is in of itself something that this wee one has had to endure.

     …and, now they’re ready for more? Wow! I don’t know but this just sounds silly to me. Stupid is more the word…but, I’ve already explored that subject.

     So, how many kids are too many? Maybe when you see jokes about yourself, it’s time to quit…

This state should change it’s name from The Natural State to GET A VASECTOMY STATE!

                        Sorry about this one, but it’s out there, I had to use it.

     Yes, but in the case of Michelle, her uterus has been stretched out so much, that she couldn’t hold in baby Josie full term..shouldn’t that tell them something? Manly men would know when to say no and keep their peckers in their pants.

                No explanation needed here. These pictures speak for themselves.

(When looking at this picture, sing the circus clown song–preferably in your head, because I hate that tune)



What Not To Wear

     I have to admit. I’m not a gorgeous 20 something with legs that just don’t quit. I don’t have that killer body that looks good in anything, like a swimsuit or a fancy dress. I don’t look like Miss America or Miss Anything, for that matter.

     I don’t have fancy clothes, and even if I did, I don’t go to places that require me to wear fancy clothes. It’s a vicious cycle. But, if I did have fancy clothes, and had someplace fancy to wear them, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t wear this…

     This looks like Cate Blanchett went to her Grandmother’s house, raided the hope chest, and found this ugly crocheted afghan. She found someone to lovingly sew it into a dress. I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure that Ms. Blanchett has more than enough money to maybe buy the other sleeve at least. Maybe she should have spent the extra money and had the other sleeve removed…I don’t think anything is going to help this.

     Of course, maybe if I had a rockin’ body, I might attempt wearing this…

     Nah, you’re right…I wouldn’t be caught dead in this, let alone at the whorehouse. You’d need an awful lot of double-sided tape to hold yourself into this bunch of ribbon. Is that a sweater she’s holding? Put it on, girlfriend…no one wants to see what you’re mama gave you!

     Renee Zellwelger, what the heck were you thinking? Do you still need someone to dress you in the morning? Maybe a black bra and camisole combo would work a little bit better than a white bra under a black sheer top…I’m not a fashion expert, but I’m pretty sure the way you’re wearing it just doesn’t look as good as the way I’d wear it.

     I’m just sayin’.

     Well, then there’s Lady GaGa…What the hell is up with her? Someone should tell her that she looks weird and her mother dresses her funny…

     Goodness, I don’t think even poor lonely Charlie Brown would date Lady GaGa. And, Charlie Brown is pretty lonely.

     I suppose Kermit could give old Charlie a run for his money, but Miss Piggy might have something to say about all those Kermie’s all over Ms. GaGa. God only knows where Kermie’s hands are right now.

     Courtney just got out of bed. Someone should tell her that she should have some pants on. I mean, really. What if she had to bend over to pick up the bong that she dropped? Someone might see her hoochie.

     Lucy Liu, what were you thinking, honey? Minus the bow on the dress, the dress is actually quite nice. But, WTF is that pink thing? It kind of reminds me of what we used to do as kids…make fans. This is just not a pretty sight. Keep the dress, lose the pink thing, whatever it is.

     Of course, even if you don’t have some place fancy to go to, it’s not an excuse to dress like this. No one has the right to dress like this. Police officer, arrest that lady for indecent exposure. Oh wait, is that a lady? I’m not sure. Well, arrest it anyway.

     Even makeup isn’t immune. Here’s Ke$ha. Um, well, I could argue until I’m blue in the face, but this look just isn’t a good look. Blue eyeshadow in, blue lipstick out. Well, that’s just my opinion.

     Of course, I know I’m still not a fashionista and I know that I don’t know all there is to know about fashion and makeup, but I think everyone I know dresses better than these people.

     I don’t know, but I think maybe this is the best that I’ve seen Lady GaGa look in a long time.


Fearing Wiping Out

      I saw this show last night, so in keeping with the STUPID people theme…I must continue.

     We’ve all seen Japanese game shows. This is where people will ‘willingly’ subject themselves to obvious tortuous obstacle courses. They jump over large pylons and navigate rolling logs that are each going in opposite directions. When the idiot falls through, they get bumped from one log to the next on the way down. They even volunteer to be shot out of a cannon…why??

     Then there is this image below. What is this person trying to prove? Obviously they can’t outrun the big large boulders like Indiana Jones could. They’re not wearing a cool hat and carrying a whip. That’s standard attire for outrunning large boulders. Everyone knows that.

     I’m still trying to figure this one out. Maybe someone will enlighten me because I’m lost as to why someone would do this to themself.

But, Japanese game shows aside, one show that is making a comeback is Fear Factor.

      I used to watch this show. I know, that’s crazy. I guess I watched it because it was so gross. The gross-out factor was to the extreme. It was akin to that accident you just came upon that you couldn’t look away from as you drove down the road. Bloody bodies laying sprawling on the road, and you really shouldn’t want to look, but you just can’t look away. I think that’s why I watched it. But, I was much younger then. I don’t think my stomach could handle the gobbling of bugs, the munching of animals testicles and the slurping of brains from some poor dead animal. Just watching people gagging and/or throwing up just isn’t my cup-of-tea anymore.

     So, again, I ask the question. Why would someone put themselves through this? Why would someone eat the grossest thing that the shows producers could come up with? Why would someone lay for as long as possible in a box full of crawling bugs or snakes? I don’t know, but that’s just not my idea of fun.

     I’m pretty sure that you couldn’t pay me enough to put myself through what these people put themselves through. And, I’m pretty sure that with some of these shows, they don’t make very much money to do it. And, if you can’t do it, then you may have eaten that pig testicle for nothing…I don’t know…I don’t see the appeal to any of this.

     And, I know you couldn’t pay me enough to eat this. This is an egg with a chick of some sort on the inside. Apparently this is a delicacy somewhere. I’m not sure where, and quite frankly, I don’t really want to know. I’m pretty sure that this smothered in BBQ sauce, cooked up and covered with cheese, still wouldn’t taste very good. Gross, is more like it.

     Chocolate covered bugs? No, I don’t think so…

     I don’t think it’s on the Fear Factor diet.

     (P.S.~ I’d be so thin if I were on the Fear Factor Diet)



Stupid Is As Stupid Does

     Lets face it. We’ve all done stupid things in our lives. We’ve ran a yellow light, and almost gotten into an accident. Maybe you’ve gotten to the cash register at your local grocery store and realized, with dismay, that you left your wallet at home. Maybe you’ve dialled a wrong number. Maybe you got wasted at your friends wedding, got up on the dancefloor when you maybe shouldn’t have, and like a bowling ball, sent everyone flying. These little thing are stupid, yes. But, not memorable. Shit happens.

     But, lets also face this fact. There are some extremely stupid people in this world.

     I recently saw a video of a man in a wheelchair who missed the opening of the elevator door. I guess he would have to wait until the next elevator that would come.

     But, he wasn’t very patient. He rammed the doors not just once, not just twice, but three times, plunging to his death. I think he might have been heading in the right direction.

     Ok, when a door is closed, and it’s not opening, does one not stop and think, “Oh, hey, maybe someone else is in there and I will have to wait my turn.” Not so with this guy.

     There was another fellow who planned on robbing the bank. I guess any confident robber would have asked “Give me all the $20, $50 and $100 dollar bills that you have.” Instead, this moron, in his nervousness, went to the bank teller and asked her to give him all the $20, $40, and $60 dollar bills that she had. I guess the $40 and $60 dollar bills are in the same family as the $3 dollar bill.

     Of course, it’s not just the ‘Average Joe’ that is stupid. Celebrities do stupid things all the time. All you have to do is look at one of those rag-mags and you can see how stupid they are. They are often caught wearing things that no ‘normal’ person would ever wear. Some celebrities go through their careers never ending up in the paparazzi’s sights. Other’s, I think, do stupid things, just so they will get in the tabloids. Then they complain that people won’t leave them alone.

     But, then we come to these people…

     Some one must have been a little drunk and his friends played a cruel joke on him…that has to be what this is. No one would be this stupid…could they?

It’s walk your kid day at Walmart.
Ok, what part of my big-ass car didn’t you see?

Well, I don’t know, but this just seems to solidify the thought that maybe it’s something in the water.

Kick-Ass Superheroes

     Kick-Ass, the movie, came out in 2010. It is a super-violent vigilante superhero film which tells the tale of an average New York teenager who decides to put on a costume and fight crime. After having most of his body broken, he loses the ability to feel pain.

     After purchasing a flashy green suit with gold trim from the Internet, he starts busting up bad guys with nothing but brute force and a ton of guts. He calls himself Kick-Ass. Because of his previous injuries, now he can take a beating as good as he can dish one out. Before long, Kick-Ass becomes a local sensation. Now there are others that are following his lead, including a kid who is just bored and wants to have a bit of fun, and a father/daughter team, avenging their wife/mother’s death.

     Ok, enter Phoenix Jones (not his real name).

     Seattle has some new crime fighters on their streets. “Phoenix Jones”, “Red Dragon”, Buster Doe” to name but just a few. There are ten in all, patroling the lone streets of the rainy city. They’re out there doing what the world needs; they’re taking a stand and getting the job done.

     And, hey, they get to wear cool costumes!

     But, why aren’t these people, if they want to fight crime, actually police officers? And, more importantly, why do these guys feel they need to wear costumes in order to get the job done?

     Superman could fly and Wonder Woman had an invisible plane. Even Bat Man was just a guy with gadgets and a cool car. But, why did the superheroes feel the need to be in costume?

     Phoenix Jones said that he was in costume because when he’d break up bar fights, it would sometimes get dangerous when it started to get into his family life. Ok, that’s understandable. His outfit even has a built-in bulletproof vest. Now, that’s ingenuity.

     Well, I suppose if they want to make the world a safer place, far be it from me to stop them. We should probably all be thankful that they found something they’re good at. Fighting crime and helping the police to get the bad guys off the streets. I guess if they want to wear costumes, like it’s Halloween all year long, then maybe they should.

     Maybe we should be thankful that they wear costumes at all…

…cause this just isn’t pretty.



     Why is it that when I have time to write, I can’t. I don’t mean that I have writers block. That would be horrible! I’ve had a bit of that before, but I’ve always come out of it, one way or another.

     No. It’s more than that. I’ve got an appointment tomorrow. I hate this appointment, but it’s one that we all have to go through…Yup, that’s right. I’ve got a dentist appointment.

     Ok, so it’s not the end of the world, but I just hate appointments. I hate making appointments. I hate keeping appointments. Especially when it comes to dentist appointments. I would much rather stay at home for that hour instead of visiting my rather sweet and very kind dentist. I love my dentist. But, I’d rather be home writing.

     I even love my hygienist! How many people can say that? Not many, I’ll bet. But, for me, even making the concerted effort to make the appointment is difficult. I don’t even like making hair appointments. You practically have to drag my ass to the salon to get my hair cut.

     I think it’s because I don’t like having to pay for something that’s just going to grow back anyway. It’s kind of like grocery shopping. You pay this exhuberant price for the food, only to find out later in the week that you have to go out shopping again.

     Of course, hair doesn’t need to be cut every week, or at least it shouldn’t, but you do periodically have to go in to the salon or barber and get that dreaded trim.

     Maybe that’s why I don’t like going to the dentist. I mean, I pay this huge sum, only to see that there isn’t much difference in my teeth…Ok, they feel cleaner, but that’s about it. Thankfully, I have a benefit plan and so does my husband. But, still, it’s an appointment.

     So, tomorrow, instead of continuing to write my book, I’ll be frozen and numb for half the day. I guess I’ll have to work numb, but I just hope that what I write won’t sound numb. Imagine your characters with numb mouths. It’s very difficult to do.

“Hi Sandby,” Nick said, his hand covering his mouth to contain any spittle that might spray out of his numb lips. “I’b so glab thath youb came to seeb meb.”

“Oh, Nickh, yesh of coursh I’b come seeb yoush. I’b loveb yoush.”

     Ok, enough said. No work for me tomorrow. I think I’ll read instead.



Strange Addictions???

     Ok, so, I’m supposed to be reading my story, editing it so that I can get it sent off to Norma’s son who is making me the cover for the book. It will soon be up online on Amazon (when he has the cover done) and wherever else I can put it. I can’t wait for everyone to see it, and more importantly, to buy it.

     But, I’m strangely attracted to the tv right now when I shouldn’t want to watch it. I need to get this little job of proof-reading and making last minute editing to my story done. But, instead, I can’t stop watching the tv. It’s like a bad car wreck with lifeless, bloody bodies strewn about on the road. I can’t look away.

     I’m watching TLC’s Strange Addictions. These are people who have strange addictions that any normal person would say, “OMFG!” These people are eating household cleansers and toilet paper! They’re eating laundry detergents! I’ve even heard of people eating dirt!

      Ok, so what I’m trying to figure out is, why you would start eating these things in the first place? Was your mouth full of shit, so you had to start eating toilet paper? Were you swearing so much that you had to start cleaning your mouth out with laundry detergent? I mean, this girl was eating it by the scoopfuls! Why?

     What is it that would be missing out of your life that you would resort to eating laundry detergent? Sure, some of them smell really good. I kind of like the smell of my liquid Purex 2x laundry soap, but I’m not going to start eating it. My liquid dish soap smells like grapefruits. I like grapefruits. But, I don’t want mine with bubbles, thank you.

     This one lady on the show has such bad teeth from eating cleansers that she has to get all of her upper teeth taken out. Is it truly that wonderful eating stuff like that? Maybe I should try it…I do tend to swear quite a bit. Of course, I have a little one; I can’t do it at home where all my cleansers are.

     Oh, so that’s why I haven’t started eating cleansers! Now I get it!

     I guess I shouldn’t laugh about this. It is pretty serious stuff. Some of these people were molested as children, and started eating the household cleanser to make herself “clean”…Of course, I’m no expert, but maybe some therapy would work. (I might be able to get her a room at the local mental hospital. I do have a few connections).

     The woman who ate toilet paper said she liked the way the toilet paper felt on her tongue…she said that she liked the two-ply kind.

     I just hope it’s not recycled. Do you know what they make recycled toilet paper out of? Office paper, newspapers, magazines, and quite possibly, old toilet paper. I wouldn’t put it past those companies.

     I don’t know, but I don’t really want to put stuff in my mouth that I wipe my ass with.

     I’m just sayin’.